When couples move in different directions, it is nearly impossible for them to make any progress. Often times, if one spouse makes a few steps forward, the other makes just enough bad choices to take it all back.
This is never any more true than when couples are facing debt problems.
Moving in different directions can be one of the most stressful experiences in marriage.
However, by establishing similar goals and working side by side as a couple, you can improve your marriage and money relationship in ways you never thought possible.
5 Steps to Working Together as a Married Couple
Step 1: Commit Together
When people get married, they frequently say, “For richer or poorer”, but when poorer comes, they question their commitment to each other.
When facing challenging situations, I think couples need to sit down, face to face, hand in hand, and remind each other – I don’t know what this journey will bring, but I want us to do it together. I am committed to you in both the good times and the bad. This is the only way to deal with money fights.
Why is this important? In a committed relationship, both partners can feel free to express their thoughts and opinions without an underlying fear of anger, separation, or threats of divorce. Feeling emotionally secure in the midst of a difficult time is essential.
Step #2: Dream Alone
Once you’ve decided that you’re in this mess together, it is time to start dreaming about where you want to be in the future. Start by doing this alone.
What do you want to be doing in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years down the road? How does the debt fit into that equation? Debt is often a dream killer. You no longer get to follow your dreams because debt limits you.
What do you want to be doing in terms of an occupation? What hobbies do you want to be involved in? What fun activities do you want to continue? What are you willing to sacrifice to get out of debt?
Write your answers down on a piece of paper.
Step #3: Dream Together
After you’ve each taken time to dream and answer questions independently, then come together and share your results.
We often come up with dreams and expect our spouse to follow. Instead, we need to take the individual dreams and fuse them into one that we jointly co-own.
Talk about your future together, and be sure you want the same thing. If you are having trouble agreeing on important points, you should seek the outside help of a pastor or counselor.
Step #4: Set Goals Together
Now it is time to leave the land of “I wish” and “I want” and start to find ways to accomplish your goals.
For my wife and I, we really wanted her to stay home with the kids. We knew that within three years we wanted to be debt free so we could afford for her to stay home.
It was a goal we decided on together, so we started to live off one income. As a result, we made certain financial sacrifices – rented a home instead of buying and purchasing a $3,300 car for cash instead of car payments. Though these may seem like sacrifices, they were actually blessings we enjoyed on the way to accomplishing a life dream we shared together.
Step #5: Deal With Details
At this point, you’ve probably answered all the “what” questions. What do you want to do? You’ve answered all the “when” questions. When do you want to accomplish these goals?
But, one more step remains.
The “how” question. How are you going to do this?
This is the time to get your goals, numbers, and methods down on paper. This would be a great time to form a game plan to attack your credit card debt.
During this stage, as an example, you will want to fill in a debt snowball spreadsheet. This way you will know the exact month when you will pay off debts. This will provide the motivation necessary.
You’ll also need to set up ways to track your spending and payments. You need to find the best personal finance software or spreadsheets to help you organize your finances.
Remember, detailed organization is important at the last and final stage. Otherwise, your dreams are simply dreams – not a game plan for progress.
You’ll also need to spend time delegating responsibilities:
- Who’s going to pay the bills?
- Who’s going to contact the creditors?
- Who’s going to handle the phone calls?
- Who’s going to balance the check book?
- Who’s going to do the financial research?
Start by picking the activity you would most enjoy, and then at the end, share the least enjoyable responsibilities.
When you walk together and talk as a couple, you are more likely to enjoy the process and reach the destination faster.
What suggestions do you have for couples who are working together to get out of debt? What have you found is the most helpful thing in getting out of debt as a couple?
Photo by rolands.lakis.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Craig, i really enjoyed your post. A huge number of married couples in America are trying to scrape their way out of debt (my wife and i are included). One thing that we feel is very helpful in tracking our spending is to have all of our accounts be joint accounts. We already put this in place when we got married 6 years ago, put I feel it is important to point this out. If all of your accounts are joint, it is a lot easier to hold each other accountable for the spending habits you have agreed on. What do you think about that?
Oh, and i like the fact that you have homemade pizza with your family every Friday—I make homemade pancakes every Saturday morning for my family. It makes for a good Family tradition.
My wife and I have attacked debt together by establishing a debt snowball chart. We list all our debts and even our dreams like the Jeep that she tells me she wants every day and the truck that I want to replace the car. We also put together a snowball for a fully funded emergency fund, which we designated as the time when we can financially start a family, either way, God’s blessings.
P.S. Tithing has been the biggest way to attack debt as a couple, I really believe if you give back, God will make your “barns overflow.”
Craig – Just to put an exclamation point behind your first step, I know a couple where the wife brought $50,000 of non-mortgage debt into their marriage. He jokingly referred to it as “a reverse dowry.” From their earliest days together, she remembers that every time she referred to “my” debt, he corrected her and said it’s “our” debt. Now there’s a guy who’s committed to oneness in marriage!