In case you have been hearing the buzz about “boomerang kids”, be aware that grown children returning home is not a new phenomena; it is a cyclical trend common with recessions, job losses and simple financial survival. According to a poll by Pew Research Center, nearly 1 in 7 parents with grown children had a “boomerang kid” move back home last year.
This happened to us a few years ago when our college graduate son (and his two dogs) moved back to our hometown and needed to live with us while he found new work and a place to live. For us, things worked well – he was highly motivated to get back on his own so our time under one roof was a relatively stress free two months.
Has one of your children moved back home for financial reasons? Have YOU moved back home for financial reasons? Whether you are the parent or the child, my guess is that neither of you are thrilled by this development. Parents have become accustomed to the empty nest and kids have embraced their independence. But reality being reality, all of you need to work together to not only make the best of the situation, but actually turn it into a win-win. These tips should help:
Start with mutual respect.
Parents: put yourself in your child’s shoes; this time in his life is traumatic. Being unemployed is tough for anyone’s self esteem, but moving back home can cause him to feel like a failure. Affirm him as a person even if his career track is in limbo.
Child: respect your parents. Yes, you are in a time of confusion but they are too. You are now a guest in their home. Don’t take it for granted.
Clarify Expectations.
The better you understand what you expect of each other, the less you both will feel pinched when things don’t go as you thought they would. You are all adults and you can’t read each other’s minds, so speak up.
These issues are essential:
Work
Parents: ask Junior his goals about work. This one may be testy; you want to support him as he gets back on his feet but you don’t want to enable laziness. He needs to be sending out resumes, knocking on doors and requesting interviews every single day. And he needs to be willing to take a menial job or doing anything to make money in the meantime.
Set a timetable.
Parents: ask what kind of timetable your child thinks is reasonable, then come to an agreement. He needs to understand that you are not kicking him out, but setting some boundaries to ensure that he doesn’t become complacent. It may be a few weeks or it may be a few months, but if he is honestly pursuing full time work he will find it. A timetable will help.
Curfew
Yes, the adult child is used to his independence, but he needs to be sensitive as to how his coming and going could upset the household. This is especially true when other siblings are still living at home. Discuss and agree.
Household chores
As a member of the household, our boomeranger needs to pull his weight. Certainly he should be responsible for doing his own laundry, but he should also be doing yard work, helping clean the house, etc.
Meet with other siblings still at home
Without revealing confidentialities, you should keep your other children informed as to what they need to know and what is expected of them. Ask for input from them and respect their thoughts.
Plan regularly scheduled family meetings
No matter how clearly you think you have set those expectations, you can be certain that everything will not go as you envisioned. Therefore, agree up front to have regularly scheduled meetings so all parties can discuss and renegotiate anything that needs to be brought up. Why do I emphasize scheduling these meetings up front? Because it is easier to resolve conflict if you plan to discuss it ahead of time than trying to work things out while in the heat of battle. Depending on ages, you may want to include other siblings in these meetings.
Concluding thoughts
Adult children sometimes need to move back home. This can be traumatic for both child and parent, but open communication should clarify expectations of each other. Ongoing meetings for the purpose of renegotiating those expectations will keep conflicts from festering. Hopefully, you will all be able to some day look back on this time and remember how you all pulled together to create a win-win.
How about you? Have you had boomerang children move home? Have you been a boomerang kid? How did it go? What advice would you give others who might be going through the same thing?
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Tangential question:
Let’s say a rising adult child has a ‘good’ job and gets downsized, and returns to the parental home.
On one hand, as this post says, we insist this person take a menial job if that is all that is available.
But what career implications flow from going from, say, a $40K job to a $15K job? Would prospective ‘good job’ employers look favorably on such an applicant (because they chose to continue working, even if at a menial job), or look unfavorably (because of the obvious regression of job, career, etc)?
Terry,
Great question. I would say the answer depends on who is doing the hiring. For me, when I was in a position to hire, I would look more favorably on those who continued to work, even at a menial job, than rock because they couldn’t find a position within their career path. Work ethic, tenacity and integrity all are demonstrated by someone who is willing to take a position “beneath” his chosen career. But that is just me. Other readers?
Joe,
We are in agreement with your position. The first order of business ,when an adult child is in financial distress and needs to move back home, is to stop the financial bleeding. Taking the $15,000 job should plug the money hole (and then some) while living with parents.
This is an interesting article, but I think it shows a lot about the dynamics of the American family.
My wife is not from the USA, but she went to college over here and has been in the USA for awhile now. I have visited her family on 2 occasions and it was interesting to see the differences in them and the average family. First, in her country, it is natural that kids live at home until they are married, even if they are well into the 20s. It is not viewed as any type of negative event. Further, her Grandmother lives at the house too. In other countries it is not odd if 3 generations of the family live under the same roof and help each other, both socially and economically.
I think it is sad over here that our society views a child returning home as so negative. The nuclear family is already in the decline and this certainly shows evidence of that. I agree there should be a structure in place, so the household respects each other, but at the end of the day, is it really so bad? Didn’t you raise this child and love this child? Sometimes family well being is more important than being an empty nester.
My husband and I lived with my parents for nearly 3 years – and not immediately after being married, after over 2 years of being on our own! We moved back to my parents’ hometown, and slept on their parsonage floor while working summer outdoor education jobs. Then we moved to the home they owned and lived there while looking for regular work, which meant no rent expenses for us. We paid the utility bills and kept the fire going (which lowered THEIR expenses during cold Montana winters!) After a season of this, they quit their jobs in town to begin an outdoor adventure ministry, and moved up to the woods. We set up a yurt, so we had our own space, but with no running water, so were still sharing a shower among 4 adults and a 3rd grader.
It was tough in a lot of ways – adjusting expectations, making the shift from parents to offspring being the ones with the steady income, coupled with the plain old difficulty of making it through a Montana winter. Communication was obviously important – we sometimes needed reminders that THEY needed privacy. They had some shame about asking us for financial help, even though we were happy to provide it, which led to not asking, and us ending up picking up expensive late fees that we could have avoided. We were able to share a lot, including a pickup truck, freezer, hunting rifle, grocery runs (over 30 minutes to town), an internet connection, and a chainsaw.
My parents were actually sad when we moved out 3 months ago, and we all still miss the camaraderie, morning tea together, and card games after dinner. They probably don’t miss our homebrewing gear constantly strewn about though.
In other words, I agree with the last commenter – why can’t a family living together be considered a community of supportive adults, not “boomerang kids” imposing on their parents?
This is an excellent post that touches on some of the most important ways families can prevent stress and resentment who two generations of adults live together.
We just recently published a study about Boomerangers. Our study found that Boomerangers are actually a pretty calm and happy bunch and enjoy spending time with their families and spend increasingly more and more time with their parents. Learn more about other insights and findings from this study at: http://www.luminositymarketing.com/pages/res/resources_wp_boomerang.php