This article was written by Branden who regularly writes for his blog FaithFitnessFinance.com.
Finding the freedom to spend
When it comes to being frugal, paying off debt, saving for retirement, and actively pursuing long-term financial goals, I am a zealot. You see, I’m a big picture kind of guy. I have a natural propensity to create savings accounts for my savings accounts. My wife would tell you that I am the definition of frugal. I understand very well that I don’t need the video game I want and am able to see how not purchasing something today will enable me to purchase so much more later.
The problem, however, is that, for me, later never actually seems to come. I have been so focused on achieving our long term financial goals for so long that it is often difficult for me to live a little bit in the here and now. After all, isn’t the point of saving and working toward financial independence to allow you to buy the things you really want without the burden or guilt of debt?
When financial focus goes too far
In my household, this has recently reached a boiling point. I am definitely the budgeter in our marriage; my wife wants nothing to do with it. In fact, I think it is fun to play with spreadsheets, manipulate numbers, and run cash flow scenarios. Yep, I’m a financial geek.
Why is this such a problem? Well, to be blunt, my wife is normal and likes doing things. This is not to be read that she is an overspender. She doesn’t care how many pairs of shoes she has, doesn’t want to spend a lot of money on fancy clothing, and is more than happy to eat at home almost every night of every week.
Sure, I also like doing things, but I have noticed that, for me, there is a direct correlation between the cost of the activity and the amount of fun I have. The more the activity costs, the less enjoyment I typically receive. I blame this on the fact that the more money we spend on fun today, the less we have to pay off debt and spend on fun later.
Looking for a solution
Needless to say, my wife and I just weren’t seeing eye to eye on the situation. I thought that budgeting $15 per month on dining out was more than enough; she wanted to go to a restaurant that had waiters. I figured our subscription to Netflix provided more entertainment than we could ever need; she wanted to see a few movies a year before they came out on DVD. To anyone else, my wife’s requests would have been common sense.
If you’re familiar with Dave Ramsey, he mentions that there are typically two types of people in a marriage: the nerd and the free spirit. I’m guessing you won’t have any trouble determining what role my wife and I play here. No matter which person you might be in your relationship, it is essential that you find a way to work together to achieve financial unity for a happy and successful marriage.
Setting up a real budget
When all of this came to a head and I actually realized what I was doing to my wife (yes, I can be a little dense), I knew it was time to change something. In fact, I knew that, if something didn’t change, our marriage was going to encounter some really rough times in the very near future.
So, I got my wife to sit down with me and talk about budgeting for fun. It wasn’t an easy thing for either of us. Remember, she wants nothing to do with budgeting, and I want nothing to do with spending. But, we managed our way through it and have started allocating regular sums of money just for the purpose of spending.
The freedom to spend
In the very short time since we set up this new system, things have changed a lot. My wife no longer has to worry about my reaction to her spending a couple dollars on a magazine and I don’t have to worry about whether or not she is buying something we didn’t plan for. The feeling is truly one of freedom. My frugal instincts have served us well throughout the last year of financial difficulty, but we are now at a place where such rigidity is no longer necessary.
The reality is that I’m still not over my obsessive money habits. I still think it’s hard to spend money, even money we have specifically set aside to spend, but I’m getting better at it. I need to more often remind myself of the parable of the rich man told in Luke 12 and understand that hoarding my possessions brings neither life nor success. If you’re like me and have a really difficult time spending money, try something like this. I promise you won’t regret it.
Note from Bob: I love how Branden and his wife worked to find a solution to their problem. We have had similar situations that by working out seemingly small details, we were able to maintain martial harmony. I get just as encouraged seeing people like Branden working through his extreme frugality as I do spendaholics working through their excessive spending. We all have areas to improve on!
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Very nice post!
thanks for the information great food for thought, its amazing how much we don’t want to account for?
Don’t do it! I can out-Dave Dave himself. I preach and practice scorched earth finance.
Focus Focus Focus!
The solution is in NOT spending.
p.s. I saw Dave Ramsey speak yesterday before 8,000 people and the free spirits outnumbered the nerds about three to one.
Or at least the free spirits were three times as loud as the nerds. I guess you’d expect free spirits to be louder than nerds, so maybe they were present in equal numbers.
If you ever have an opportunity to See Dave Live, go for it; he gives a great performance. I hate to spend money but the $11.90 (his radio show is carried locally on AM 1190) I paid to see him was very well worth it.
Branden, great job getting all of the cards on the table. Husband and wife agreeing together on how much will be spent in each budget category is critical. I commend you for your honesty. Keep the communication with your wife going.
Thanks for the comments, everyone.
@Poor Boomer, let me just clarify that I’m not saying to go spend your way to happiness. I’m a big fan of saving and being frugal (hence, my struggle here). But there needs to be some sort of balance between succeeding financially and living. Free stuff is great, but the purpose of money isn’t just to save. Even Dave understands the importance of spending. Just like anything, however, it needs to be done in moderation.
@Steve, thanks for the encouragement! I agree that communication is the key to everything. Obviously, it’s not always easy, but it’s definitely worth it.
What can be a real solution is that sit with your wife and talk about your current financial position as well as what are you thinking for your future. This mutual understanding can be really helpful. Moreover one important point is that, their is no profit of saving if your family is not happy.
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