Life is a series of decisions. Living a satisfying, happy life, then, depends on our ability to make good decisions.
Should we meet some college friends in Fresno for a rare get-together even though we’re three months into a get-out-of-debt program and the cost of the trip would set us back a few steps?
Should we buy Brand A that’s known for its durability or Brand B that has a much cooler design?
Harvard Psychologist Daniel Gilbert, author of “Stumbling on Happiness,” says if we’re relying on our own minds to answer such questions, we’re destined for disappointment.
An Elusive Goal
The first problem in making good decisions is our emotional end-goal: happiness. It’s what we all hope to achieve with our decisions. The problem, Gilbert points out, is that happiness is a highly subjective, multi-faceted, and ever-changing emotion. It’s inherently difficult to achieve a goal that’s difficult for us to define.
A Defective Goal-Seeking Device
Our second problem has to do with the tool we use in trying to predict which decisions will work out best: our imagination.
Gilbert points out that we are the only creatures that can imagine the future, and we naturally rely on this ability when making decisions. We run mental what-if scenarios, trying to imagine what life will be like if we take this course of action or that.
But having the ability to imagine the future doesn’t mean we’re good at it. And in fact, Gilbert says we’re just plain lousy at it. That’s because our imagination suffers from three shortcomings: realism, “presentism,” and rationalization.
Realism: What’s really true and what’s in our heads are often two very different things.
When we remember something, Gilbert says, we don’t remember objectively. We fill in certain details and leave others out. We’re not much better with present experiences, which is why different witnesses to the same car accident often have different explanations for what happened.
So, if we’re expecting a future experience to unfold just like a similar past or present experience, our misremembered past and misperceived present make it highly likely that we will misimagine the future.
Presentism: Most of us have a tough time imagining a tomorrow that’s much different than today. And we have an especially hard time imagining that we will ever feel, want, or think differently than we do now.
That’s why shopping when we’re hungry tends to make us buy more than we should and shopping when we’re full may make us buy less than we need.
It’s also why someone who loves living where there are four distinct seasons may resist moving to a city where the seasons don’t change as much.
Rationalization: It seems reasonable to assume that the more money you make the happier you will be. However, research shows that there’s a certain point on the income scale where happiness tends to level off.
Reasonableness, therefore, turns out to be a fairly unreliable predictor of how we will feel about the future.
One Step That Helps Ensure a Good Decision
Given the number and complexity of reasons why it’s so difficult to accurately imagine the future, Gilbert’s decision-making advice at the end of the book is surprisingly simple: Ask someone else who made a similar decision how it turned out for them.
Thinking of buying a red sports car? Ask the owners of red sports cars whether the experience of owning one has lived up to their expectations.
Thinking of moving your family to France for a summer? Find some families who’ve made that decision and ask whether they’d do it again.
As simple as this suggestion is, Gilbert says we tend to resist using it as much as we should. That’s because we think we’re unique. How could someone else’s experience tell us that a particular sushi restaurant, summer vacation spot, or SUV will satisfy our unique desires? We’d rather gather facts and put our imaginations to work.
However, research clearly shows that relying on other people’s experiences is far more likely to lead to satisfying decisions than relying on our own imagination.
Can you think of a decision you made that turned out far differently than you imagined? By the same token, how have the recommendations of others helped you make better decisions?
Photo by General Wesc
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks Matt. I love this idea of asking others who have experience in a given situation for advice.. all too often overlooked!
I’ve been fascinated with how the brain works for quite some time. It seems we love filling in the gaps of bad relationships with happy thoughts when we’re rationalizing the decision to get back with an ex. It’s not until you’re really honest with yourself that you realize how miserable you were and how miserable you will be if you continue to make the same decisions.
Instead of asking other people how certain decisions worked out for them, I often ask myself how similar decisions worked out for me. For instance, I know that aimlessly wandering the mall will result in the purchase of things I don’t really want and won’t use. I can’t imagine having used a particular item if it’s still in the box. If I’ve owned it for years without using it, there comes a point when I give up the dream of ever using it.
That’s a great point, Shawanda. If we’re thinking about making a decision we’ve made before, a little trip down memory lane might just help keep us from repeating a bad decision — assuming we can remember it accurately!
I find it hard to make good decisions but lately it’s been getting better.
Great Article. Love your website…such GREAT info, always! We live in Fresno…shall we go meet your college friends in your honor so you can stay on track LOL! We started our debt free journey July 2010…took us 10 months, we missed out on friend trips to Vegas, our car is 9 years old (even though I’m dying for the new Dodge Durrango, I just can’t do it, thankfully!) etc. etc. we are now DEBT FREE!!! Our friends who’ve taken those trips, bought those new cars, boats, trailers, etc…who are living for the “right now” are still in debt and getting deeper…we are now in the opposite direction. Trust me it’s still a continuous struggle to not living in the “I want it now” mentality for me anyways but SO SO SO thankful for the changes we’ve made!
I really liked your remarks on “Presentism”. I infer from your definition that if I can’t imagine a change, it will be more difficult to make that change. On the other hand, if I want to make changes, perhaps I need to study people who are living the changes I say that I want. With respect to specific decisions, however, I have to admit that I have not had success with asking others how a decision turned out for them, as I inevitably find that what did not work for them works rather well for me, and what did work well for them has too often turned out to be a disaster for me. Right now, for me, it seems that some serious prayer time is the best helper in making tough decisions.
Carrie – Hopefully one day your friends who are deep in debt will get around to asking you what it’s like to drive an older car and be DEBT FREE! You sound like you’ve been on a great path.
Artist MJ – Tough to argue with the idea of turning to prayer when making decisions!
One thing that I would add to asking other people how a choice worked for them, would be to ask them why.
If the reason they don’t enjoy their sports car is because it has too little headroom and feels cramped, but you are much shorter, this reason doesn’t apply to you. If the reason is that maintenance is more expensive than expected and they are constantly stressed about damaging it, this may well apply to you too.
If your friend hated her time in France because spending so much time with her family stressed her out, this may not apply if you have a different relationship with your family. If they felt isolated from not speaking the local language, that could be something that applies to you that you need to consider.