Don’t get married without Financial Premarital Counseling!
We have a friend who married a wealthy man. Only after they were married did she learn how he got so wealthy: he hoarded everything and spent nothing. He controlled all of the money, giving her a pittance for groceries and very little for anything else. It was no surprise that their marriage eventually dissolved, but she would never have married him in the first place if she had known how he handled money.
According to the National Directory of Marriage and Family Counseling, the divorce rate in America has hovered around 50% since the mid 80’s, but premarital counseling reduces that number by 30%. And since money and money fights are one of the top reasons for divorce, financial premarital counseling is crucial for a solid marriage.
Do you know ANYONE who is planning marriage? Are they getting good pre-marital counseling, which includes financial counseling? If not (or perhaps even if they are), send them to this post. This Three Step approach is meant for them.
Step One: Take This Quiz
Print out two copies of the following questions, then each of you answer them in writing. Do this in separate rooms or separate houses; just be sure to take your time and think through each answer.
- How would you prioritize the following choices: getting out of debt, paying off house, investing for retirement, establishing an emergency fund?
- How much money would it be OK to spend without discussing it with my spouse?
- Do you think, upon marriage, you two should have separate checking accounts or joint accounts?
- How would you feel about borrowing money from parents?
- Do you currently balance your check book?
- Upon marriage, which of you should balance your check book?
- Do you currently live on a written budget?
- How much debt do you currently have? What kind of debt?
- How much debt and what kind of debt would be OK in your marriage?
- Are you in favor of a pre-nuptial agreement? If you answered “Yes”, explain your answer.
- What is your credit score?
- Have you ever NOT paid your bills?
- Have you ever co-signed a loan? Had a loan co-signed?
- Upon marriage, what would your short term financial goals be?
- Upon marriage, what would your long term financial goals be?
- What is the stupidest thing you have ever done with money?
- What financial secrets does your fiancé not know about?
- Which of these three best describes you: tightwad, average or spendthrift?
- Which of these three best describes your fiancé: tightwad, average, or spendthrift?
Step Two: Communicate
You knew when you were taking the quiz that you would be discussing your answers with your fiancé. Right? So now set aside time (at least two hours) to discuss these answers together. Each of you need a pad and paper so you can make notes on areas that will need further discussion. Now is the time to be very upfront with your thoughts and expectations. For example, if your future spouse thinks it is OK to spend $1,000 without checking first, and if you don’t agree, say so. What surprises did you discover? In what ways are you compatible? Make sure you talk in depth about your short term and long term marital goals.
Step Three: Take Action
While you should not combine your finances before marriage, there are some things you could be doing. Consider the following your premarital homework:
- Clarify your short term and long term goals.
Put them in writing. These goals will be your financial compass once you get married.
- Start working on those goals.
If one marital goal is to get out of debt, then each of you should start a plan to get rid of your personal debt. If one of you has debt and the other doesn’t, DO NOT pay off your future spouse’s debt at this time. However, the one with no debt should start building up a savings account that will go toward that debt AFTER the two of you are married.
- Create budgets.
At this point, because your finances are separate, you each need your own budget. Creating those budgets and living on them is a great preparation for the time when both of you will be living on the same budget.
- Track your budgets.
You will both learn much as you see which of you does a better job of actually living on the budget you created.
- Create a joint budget.
When you are close to the big day, go ahead and work up a hypothetical joint budget. Ask yourselves how soon you can meet your short term goals by using this budget. Talk about sacrifices you can make to reach those goals sooner. You want to be ready to hit the ground running, so having a plan now will be huge.
- Plan and agree to have a debt free wedding and honeymoon.
This is your chance to work together with a common goal. You don’t want your first financial decision to put you in a hole, so work together now to start finding ways to save money on your wedding.
I wish you a long, happy and debt free marriage.
Did you have premarital counseling? Did the counseling include financial counseling? If yes, how did it help? If not, how would it have helped?
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
My wife and I did have pre-marital counseling; however, it was very short (two sessions I think, about 1 hour each) and did not address much specific in the way of finances. Some very basic questions, but that’s about it. And no quiz, no guidance, no goal setting involved. I’d say we’re lucky that we ended up being fairly compatible and dedicated to each other, and God surely has watched over us from the start. We’ve had financial disagreements, but no major explosions. Early in our marriage we had no plan but neither did we rack up a bunch of debt. Our two biggest problems were that we were disorganized and ignorant.
We muddled around for the first 7 years, but our epiphany came after finding Dave Ramsey and realizing how much better we could do. Thankfully we didn’t have a lot of debt to clear up, so within 2 months we got to living on a zero balance budget, within 12 months we were debt free except the house, and by 18 months we had a 3 month emergency fund and retirement contributions flowing. This also allowed us to truly tithe for the first time in our marriage since we actually knew what was coming in.
It blows my mind now that engaged couples are not required to talk about “the big three” before marriage: kids, money, in-laws / family issues. God blessed us in that we were able to gradually and sometimes painfully deal with these issues largely on our own with His help. Our goal will be to ensure that our children are well-trained according to biblical principals on finance and family before they leave the nest.
My wife and I went through pre-marital counceling. Fortunately, ours DID include fianances. While we could still be more disciplined than we are, we both started out on solid financial footing, and were determined to stay that way after marriage.
Best guest post in a while… actually, part of it is that this is targeted at me. Thanks.
I love the practical quiz. I’ve heard it all before, and in my mind I have it down. But I can see the advantage of writing it down and sharing it in a more structured way. I’m going to keep this one bookmarked so I can come back to it for reference.
(I’m also tweeting it out.)
-Marshall Jones Jr.
Lots of great advice. My husband and I did not have any counseling at all before we married and it has definitely caused a few struggles. I don’t think that counseling would have prevented me from marrying him, but I do think we would have wanted longer, and focused on a longer time of preparing for our future in many ways, especially with regard to our finances. Waiting a little longer to be married seems like such a small price to be paid when it comes to avoiding serious issues that destroy marriages. Again, great article!
S
Great advice! I am bookmarking this as a solid reference and resource
I would add a question about how does each feel about loaning money to family/friends etc
@Erik,
I love how you used “muddled” and “epiphany” in the same sentence. Great words, and how true it is that most of us (myself included) need to muddle before we are ready for an epiphany. I am glad you are doing well now.
@Matthew,
Good to hear of you pre-marital financial counseling. Sounds like you two are determined to stay on solid footing. Great attitude.
@Marshall,
Thanks for the encouraging words and the tweet. I am glad this post struck a chord with you.
@Shirley,
Yes, waiting in MOST cases can only help. Your words are good advise to other readers.
Latika,
I was hoping other readers would add their own questions. How each feels about loaning money to family/friends, etc should definitely be discussed.
Thanks for sharing!
We had premarital counseling but no mention of money issues. I love this list of questions. What a great assignment to assess financial honesty and agreement.
Ken,
Isn’t it curious that premarital counseling would not include a financial aspect? Maybe pastors aren’t trained in that type of counseling.
I am thinking that if the couple did not get financial premarital counseling, a lot of these questions would help after they are already married. Like you said, “a great assignment to assess financial honesty and agreement.”
Great post Joe
Our pre-marital counselling was intense! and am glad we went through it. We had seperate financial counselling and we also had to take FPU as part of the counselling. It was an eye opener for both of us on the direction we were headed financially. When we were dating we used a marriage workbook “Preparing for Marriage God’s way” by Wayne A. Mack and it has great financial questionnaires.
Joseph,
Good stuff…I am impressed with the depth and intensity of your premarital counseling. Making FPU a requirement is a fabulous idea! Thanks for telling us about Wayne A. Mack’s workbook. My pastor has me do the financial part of the premarital counseling for those he is going to marry. I will need to check Mr. Mack’s financial questionnaire.
The stupidest thing I’ve ever done with money is blow it on a liberal arts education.
I had earned and saved by high school graduation the equivalent in todays’s dollars of $25K and if I had never gone to college I could have turned that $25k into a decent sum.
Terry,
Maybe that liberal arts education hasn’t paid off, but I bet that if you could save that much money while still in high school, you could still be a great saver today.
I have a daughter that has gotten engaged and I am happy for them both. She is a Junior in college and he will do his internship until December of this year. They said it would be two years before they got married but I think they want to do it sooner. She is planning to go to med school and he has not looked for a job and may do his masters right away. Is it alright that we request that they do wait until he at least has a job and she knows what school she is going to end up. When he asked us for her hand he said he would follow her to a school. My real concern is the daily living cost that they really do not know of. He is also has some medical issues and will need to have insurance and right now they are both covered under our insurance. This also includes car insurance, monthly payments…….normal living. I do not want to be the mother- mother in law medler but I want them to have their eyes open. Can you give me some guidelines or suggestions.
I’m surprised that there was no question about Tithing. My boyfriend and I have already had a misunderstanding about that and we’ve been in a long distance relationship for only 7 months. We both tithe, but we have very different philosophies on it.
As a pastor I was NEVER trained to ask financial questions of a couple during premarital counseling. As it happens I have always been a budget conscious person and while we have not delved deeply into it I do require couples to begin discussing it counseling. I remind them that there are no right answers but that the sooner and more in depth they discuss budgeting the smoother this aspect of their marriage will be. I love this list of questions and will be printing it out and sticking it in my premarital folder. Thanks.
@Mary,
Sorry for the taking so long to respond…I somehow missed seeing your comment until now.
It is tough not being a mother-in-law “meddler” when you can see your kids walking into a storm. My experience is that people (especially children) can’t be helped unless they want help. I would therefore offer to share some of your thoughts with them. If they accept, you can voice your concerns and ask them what their plans are for such things as daily living. If they could only work on a budget, most of your concerns would become evident without you needing to point them out. If they are not interested in help, they will learn any way (like most of us did), but experience. I hope this helps.
@Minda,
Great tip…about tithing. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it myself, but tithing should definitely be discussed.
@Kimberly,
I am glad this list of questions helps. I am not ordained, but my pastor has me do the premarital finance counseling portion for those whom he is going to marry. I use the very same questions.